8 Minutes

8 Minutes. My pal Jenny-Mac figured out that this is how much time the teachers at our school have to plan each lesson we teach for a day of elementary school. (On average I teach 6 lessons a day.) But I don't take 8 minutes, I do what it takes, which is much more than 8 minutes. What that means, however, is that I regularly work 10-11 hour days. I get paid for 7 hours. I don't get bonuses or comp time, or even a free cup of coffee in the morning. Why do I do it? I want the students to have the best I can possibly offer...and I really like working with kids. They are crazy.

Recently I got a cryptic hand-written note in my classroom mailbox from a kid. It looked kind of like this (wishing I had a scanner!):

"Thre was a flyd in th pllens"

When I first read this scrawl from the 8-year-old I thought it said, "There was a fly on the lens". I figured he was explaining why most of my students were distracted at the end of the day when their homework was listed on the overhead projector (thus the "lens" part). I showed this note to my colleague Donna, knowing that her 40 years of teaching experience makes her a master code-breaker. I knew that she could confirm or refute my attempt at decoding. I handed her the note and, without missing a beat she said, "Oh...there was a flood in the Philippines".

Yes, that was it! Turns out the boy has family in the Philippines and wanted to make sure I knew about the recent flood there.

The best part about this kid is that he always has a smile on his face and is an easy target for my juvenile antics in the classroom. And to top it off, just the other day I realized who he reminds me of. Seriously. He is Bill from the series "King of the Hill"! (but without the beer in his hand and the hair on his chest, I presume) He has similar mannerisms, speech patterns, and a general "happy-go-lucky" demeanor.

Sometimes, when I'm having a rough time of it, I just look at "Bill" and remember that it's all gonna work out fine.

After all, I've only got 8 minutes per lesson to save the world (even though that's twice what Madonna and Justin had).

Back in the Saddle Again

From the soundtrack of my life: "I’m back!" Back to teaching 4th grade, that is. I’m happy. I had to go through an awful lot in order to come full circle, bringing me back to March, where this whole thing started. It went something like this:

you're fired
no, maybe not
um…yes, you're fired
stay tuned, we may need you back
no, it doesn’t look like you’ll be back
ok, come back and choose a job, but your old job doesn’t exist
no, you can't have that job
oh, okay, you can have that job
hey, how about having your old job back?
ok, you can have it

But, hey now, I’ve got a job which is more than some people can claim nowadays. So I AM thankful. I actually wish I could just call everyone I know to tell then that I got my job back. But herein lies the problem. No one picks up a damn phone anymore. I can’t get anyone on the phone, not even my spouse. I have reluctantly agreed to text more often, but am I the only one that finds it exhausting? I have a keyboard on my phone for this very purpose, but when I’m trying to make plans with someone and we have to go back and forth five or six times, I can’t help but think, “This would be a 30 second phone conversation.”

Is it about being cool? I’m all for being cool. I was born cool. But texting is so Europe 2005. I mean EVERYBODY texts now, so it’s no longer a novelty. When a 10-year-old is doing it, it’s no longer cool. Driving a tricked out car can still be cool, precisely because a 10 year old can’t do it. My pal Jenny had a student that was texting in class all year long! This girl was assigned hundreds of sentences to write, recesses were taken away, but she still continued. When her phone was confiscated by the principal, her mom got her a new one, so it was back to texting. I had this girl the previous year, before the text explosion, and she used to daydream the days away. She was probably thinking about what she would text if she could. But I’ll tell you one thing, she still does not have a car.

I’ve come to the frightening realization that if I want my friends to know the good news about my job I have to: 1) post it on Facebook; 2) blog about it here; 3) ask someone to Twitter it for me (I’m not there yet); and 4) do a mass e-mail as a back-up; …but don’t call anyone for heavens sake!

So now that I have my teaching job back, I was thinking about more innovative ways to fire/hire teachers, and suddenly I got an idea. How about a game show for teachers? Winners stay, losers go. Since it's my idea, I think I would want to have a show like "Name That Tune" or a Karaoke competition. If you don't know the lyrics then a clown comes out and smashes a pie in your face. (The clown would be a different celebrity guest star each week. See pic for guest #1!) Then Governor Arnold would come on the giant screen via satellite and say, "You are the weakest link. You are OUT!" Then he'd blow you a kiss and say, "auf Wiedersehen", like Heidi Klum on Project Runway.

With this scenario there would at least be some bit of talent needed to stay in the profession. I know you're thinking, "Hey Sal, why not a quiz show since teachers are supposed to know stuff?" Simple: that's too easy of a solution. I'm trying to stay in the spirit of the public school system by keeping things aloof and illogical. Geeeez. Stay with me. (Is this the first blog of mine that you've read?) The music would be sounds of the 70’s and 80’s, with a little 90’s tossed in for bonus points.

The premiere show would start with me singing Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle”.
...I'm back! I'm back in the saddle again...

Cattle Call

Well, I got a job back in my school district, back at my school in fact. But it's not MY job. My job has disappeared with the idealist belief that small children should be in classrooms of (no more than) 20 students. Call me crazy for buying into the idea of smaller class sizes ("CRAZY!"). But this crazy fool thinks that packing 30-34 kids in a room to teach them how to read, with ONE teacher, mind you, is a bit insane. But that's the plan in my district as of now.

So about 2 weeks ago I got a phone call saying I am being "recalled" (like those painted toys from China) and I would need to pick a job from the current list of vacancies. They sent me the job list ahead of time to take a look. There is nothing currently available at my school so I made my list of priorities from the choices and talked to some colleagues to get advice. The day I showed up to "pick a job" was the most DMV-like experience I've had as a teacher. There were about 10-15 of us lined up in a tiny dingy hallway in our district office. The lady would call a name and that person would disappear into a room, then emerge with one of three looks: sadness, defeat, or apathy. Some people were a little teary-eyed too. Then the lady would cross off the job the person picked, but not announce what they picked, so we would all squeeze down the hall to try and see what job was taken. Then the next person would go in, and so on, and so on.

By the time I got my turn, all my top choices were gone. SURPRISE! But I did have one thing up my sleeve. Like a Svengali, I walked in, sat down and ordered, "I will take the Science position at my school." The woman was caught off guard and began to shuffle papers as I stated, "It's not on the vacancy list, but it is there, my friend, it is there. I have been informed by my principal, [name dropped here], to ask for this position." I was feeling pretty good about myself, proud that I had taken this bull by the horns and for once thrown THEM for a loop. As she nervously shuffled papers, the other woman at the table (we'll call her the witness, because I learned in business that whenever you have a potentially volatile situation, you never do it one-on-one), began to look me over. I could see the questions in her eyes: Was I for real? Who did I think I was, marching in here with my OWN agenda?

The paper shuffler looked at me, and said, "We have to wait until that job is posted. You will need to pick a job from the list." Ah, but I had one other thing up my sleeve so I responded, "My principal, [name dropped here again], is downstairs in the training and said to come get her if there was a problem." HA! I can play hardball too. Without wavering, her eyes checked with the witness, and showing no sign of fear, she said, "We can have that conversation later, but for now, please pick a job to secure a position, so we can keep this moving." I was out of tricks, no hypnotic trance or amount of charm would change the fact that I really had zero power in this situation. The irony is that she really had no power either. She couldn't just give me a job because I said so. Her boss would probably behead her for such insubordination, or send her to the basement and take away her Swingline stapler.

The people with the power were on vacation during this project of theirs. How convenient. Hardly a coincidence I imagine. Make a mess, then leave someone else to clean it up. But hey, that's bureaucracy in action.

I chose a job, then promptly told on her to my principal. She marched herself to the cattle call office and fixed it. I felt like such a helpless child. I miss the days of getting a job on your merits and desire, not because you were #129 on the list so you got to choose before #140. I miss the days of being promoted or given a raise because you are an asset to the company, not because you have a certain # of years of service.

So I am on board to teach Science at my school. Good News: No need to switch schools, I know the students and staff, and change will keep me growing.

Bad News: 2 days after I was called in, our previous science teacher was "recalled" too. I didn't expect that because I thought he was much lower in seniority and might not get called at all. Now I have his job. I feel crappy about that. So it's hard to celebrate. I just hope it somehow miraculously all goes back to the way it was. Anyone have a magic wand I can borrow?

Happy Father's Day

I don't understand Father's Day or Mother's Day or Administrative Assistant's Day (formerly known as "Secretary's Day") or Day of the Teacher. (I don't know why it's not called "Teacher's Day".) This idea of choosing one day to say thanks and fatten the wallets of Hallmark always seems a bit strange to me. Heck, every day is Teacher's Day and Father's Day and Mother's and Admin. Asst.'s, etc.

Yes, it's lame to say, "We need to appreciate all people everyday!", but you know what? We need to appreciate the people in our lives REGULARLY. After recently losing my job, I thought about all my colleagues in education that I appreciate. I try to be thankful for what I've got, but I don't think I express it very readily to the people that need to hear it. So here goes:
Jenny - you're the first to pop in my mind right now because you especially need to know what a powerhouse of a teacher you are and how I admire that! You also have a great ability to laugh at life and...laminate. Andrea - and to think I was intimidated by you when I first started working with you! Actually, there was good reason for that. You have your act together. And I KNOW this because you always say that you don't. You are always willing to lend others a hand and are an extremely thoughtful human being. Kathy H. - what a pleasure and privilege I have to come to work and have positivity first thing in the morning. Your kind, yet playful, words and your love for the children are never lost on me. Thank you for the work that you do. Mel T- we have been weathering the recent storm together, checking in with one another. I appreciate your confidence and your ability to "press on" even when the system gets ludicrous. I also like how you roll your eyes at the crazy playground DRAMA! Helen - my mentor and an inspiration to all. I can't write anything here that will encompass who you are. You just are. I will SO miss your classroom visits if I'm not back with you next year. You'll have to call me, wherever I am, and I'll put you on speakerphone! Greg - Mister Comic Relief with some sarcasm and fire mixed in. I worry about how often you say what I'm thinking. Your plethora of random trivia at lunch and your waving of the white slips after recess are unmatched! Chris - um, how much time do you have in a day? Wow, the things you do with your class! You have a wonderful sense of calm mixed with a great sense of humor. And, of course, Donna - where would I be without you? You have orchestrated a great teaching career for me so far! Ever since you got me to LE, you have been a great ally and presented opportunities that I may have ignored in the past. Thank you for your help and guidance. I appreciate you.

I appreciate so many of you: Eric, Kathy G., Pam, David, Leslie, Kim W., and frankly everyone at LE. I'm sorry for anyone that I didn't mention or write sentences about. It was getting so long! But let me tell you, I have sentences for all of you. Oh boy, do I have sentences. I might be moving on to other "pastures", equally full of cow patties and land mines, but I promise to keep fighting the good fight, as long as you do too!

Oh yeah, and "Happy Father's Day".

I Want to Be a Pirate

I'm weighing my career options and I think I want to be a pirate. Pirates get to say cool things like "argh" and "savvy". They also get to sail around the world. They get to drink anytime they want because (as the saying goes), "it's always 12:00 somewhere". (Though they probably don't care about that.) Pirates are obsessed with booty. Pirates have also been glamorized with the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. (And what's NOT cool about Johnny Depp?) Plus, I always loved the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Piracy is also big in music, and I love my music. And look how much fun these pirates are having when they come together with music in this cool video called "You Are a Pirate" from the Icelandic children's show Lazy Town.

The only snafu is that there are NO job listings on Career Builder, Monster, or even Craigslist for pirates.

I know pirates got a bad rap recently with their kidnapping shenanigans off the Somali coast. But come on, they're pirates. Honestly, what did we all expect? I'd be a pretty nice pirate. I don't think I'd be into the kidnapping, killing, slave trade, or even the parrot thing. I'd have to have a sidekick that carries the parrot around. I think the sidekick would have to be a subordinate because pirates seem to be big on power structure and hierarchy.

I should probably grow my hair out and let it get all ratty. Then I'll probably have to wear one of those fake beard and mustaches, but it's tricky because to be believable it has to match your hair color. My hair gets lighter in the summer, especially if I'm going to be out on the open ocean, so I'll probably need to get a few seasonal hair colors for the stache/beard combo. I could wear the big hoop earring and the eye patch and I could get one of those long coats. Prince wore a hoop earring AND a coat like that in his movie Purple Rain and it looked cool on him. I wanna look cool too. In fact, Prince's whole outfit had a kind of "piratey" look. The poofy shirt, long coat, etc. Perhaps he wanted to be a pirate too, before he hit it big in the music business. Anybody know where I could get a suit like that? Wow, I'm gonna need to buy lots of stuff. Oh well, this shopping excursion sounds much more fun than going down to Banana Republic at the mall to get work clothes for some crappy corporate job. Wish me luck on my shopping spree! wheeeeeeeeee!

The Agony and the Ecstasy

The beginning of June is both jubilant and painful when you're a teacher. Here's the jubilation part: summer is coming! more free time, sleeping in, time for focusing on staying healthy and relaxing. The painful part: the final rush of grading papers, report cards, updating every student's file, organizing, filing, and cleaning your classroom. To top that off, I've been dealt the final pink slip. Oh sure, they can rescind at any time. But that's the problem..."at any time". I head into summer vacation not knowing if I will have a job in August.

Ironically, I got an invitation to lead some trainings over the summer. I said, "Sure, I'll do it, but I'm officially NOT an employee after June 30, so..."

I'm trying not to sweat it - trying not to feel like it's personal. I know, logically that it's got nothing to do with me. Funny. It OUGHT to! It ought to have everything to do with me. This job bases most everything on your seniority. You have to do something pretty awful to actually get fired from teaching. They can't just get rid of you because you're a bad teacher. Because of tenure, it's much more complicated than that. Well, I have tenure, and I'm a damn good teacher, but my neck is still strategically placed on the chopping block.

If I go out, I wanna go out with guns blazing.(see picture) I don't exactly know what that would mean, though. I just love the end scene of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid". Unfortunately I don't have a place to play that scene out. As a teacher, I have to maintain the upstanding citizen facade...so, I can't scream obscenities when they take my classroom key or trash the district office on my way out of town. But, I could run down the hallway with staplers blazin' in each hand. Hmmm...I'll let you know how it all plays out.

I Wanna Rock 'N' Roll All Night

Whitesnake, Slayer, Stryker, Warrant, Great White, Ratt. These were the 80's "B" hair bands. There were also the "A" listers with bands like Poison, Scorpions, Def Leppard. I consider these A list because the general public knows who they are and they had more hits. Now I know I'll probably get some avid Whitesnake fan arguing about their ranking in my list, but come on...just look at the picture! Then there are some bands I don't count in this list because they still have gigs and huge followings (Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Guns n Roses, Van Halen, etc.)

I can't always remember who sang what, or what some of them sang at all. But with anthems like "Cherry Pie" and "Here I Go Again", they cannot be forgotten. A few weeks ago while cruising beautiful San Diego, we were doing the ol' search-for-a- station-in-the-rental-car, when - BAM! The radio blares, "...here i go again on my own. Goin' down the only road i've ever known...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..." Sweet, sweet music to our ears.

Now for the best part. I was searching online for these lyrics (I wanted to quote correctly), and instead of the word drifter, there was the word "hobo" with an asterisk *. I scrolled down to find this nugget: "* in the 1987 version this word is changed to drifter. David's [David Coverdale, lead singer of Whitesnake] management thought that hobo could be confused with homo!" Oh no, because the make-up, spandex, and frizzed out prom hair wouldn't make us think that already.

Then there was the quintisential band, KISS. When I was in junior high, my friends and I loved KISS. but we also did that thing where you had to pick your favorite one. Mine ended up being Peter Criss. (For those that shamefully don't know, he was the cat/drummer.) I don't even know why I chose him. I think because he wrote "Beth" so I knew he was deep, ya know, deep in a 7th grade kinda way. That summer, we all went to summer school and took this class where we made these leather wrist bands. I made one that said KISS. Well, I used the stamper to make the KI on a piece of leather, and then I had to hand carve the SS, KISS style. Kind of like a lightening bolt. Anyway, I wore that thing for a year and thought it was so cool. One day I just stopped wearing the wrist band and my KISS era was over. It was well before they took their make-up off. I always thought they should of stayed "Masked" because they are not good looking guys, but with the make-up, there was an air of genius. But, things started to spiral after that. And years later, Gene Simmons did a mortifying interview on NPR with Terry Gross. He's a real a-hole.

Even though I shed my KISS fan days, one year, some co-workers and I decided to be KISS for Halloween. Adrienne insisted on being Peter Criss, so I took the next best thing...Paul Stanley. I don't remember if Anita was Ace or Gene, because she "forgot" to dress up on the day, but we had a blast shopping for the shoes and catsuits on Haight St. in SF, and Anita outfitted us with some great studded belts and wrist bands from her private collection. Peter and Paul were a hit at work that Halloween. (Pictured L-R: Supergirl, Johnny Cash, Ghost of Western Post, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley)

So whenever I talk about music with my class at school, those dang 10 year olds never seem to be educated about music from the 80s. Sometimes I'll play a song and make them guess the artist. This game is not very fun because after their two guesses of The Beatles and Elvis, the game is over. Clearly, they just think I'm old and that's the only "old" music they know. Finally, now, I have my class trained into also guessing Prince and Michael Jackson. That's something. But if any kid ever busts out with Whitesnake, even if it's not right, they're winning the grand prize.