Loser

I was very productive today. Having just returned from a nice long trip to NYC, I came back ready to tackle my world. I took myself out to breakfast then returned home and did laundry, caught up on bills, pulled weeds in the garden, organized two desk drawers and made a few phone calls. All of these things were strategically chosen in order to procrastinate...duh, duh, duh (ominous music swells)...filing for unemployment benefits. Yes, folks, if you are a reader of this blog, you might know that I was laid off last year too, only to be called back a short time later. Well, this year is a bit different because the dark clouds are a bit darker. It's hard to tell when/if I will be called back and whether or not my job will still be available to me.

Prior to leaving for our glorious trip to NYC, I wanted to be proactive about this job thing. So I updated my resume and sent one out after also writing the dreaded cover letter - "Hi, you don't know me from Adam, however, I'm chipper, but not annoyingly so. I love to work! I don't mind working overtime or weekends and I am passionate about your cause. Hire me! I'm not desperate. Really. I have hoards of other offers and people knocking on my door constantly. I just decided to ignore all of the clamor and apply for your position out of the blue!"

Well, it may not have read exactly like that, but it sure seems like it. I feel like a loser. I can't get that Beck song out of my head. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me." Don't worry folks, I'm not suicidal, but it sure makes drinking after the stroke of 12 noon awfully appealing.

As I sat down to fill out the unemployment application, I reassured myself with the facts as I will state to you here: 1) I have never been on unemployment before; 2) I have been paying INTO this system my entire working life; 3) I don't watch Maury or Tyra in the middle of the afternoon; 4) I am smart and powerful and good enough; 5) Doggone it, I like myself, I really do!

The online application is surprisingly simple to fill out, though they make it clear that if you write something untrue, it's all over. Fine with me. I have nothing to hide, but there are a few trick questions. One question asked if I "am employed" as a state worker such as teacher, etc. Well, let's see...if I was employed I wouldn't be filling this out! Do they mean was I just recently employed in that way? Another question asked for the last 18 months of my employment history. Sounds simple enough, except that when I filled in the dates for my last job of almost 6 years, it then asked for my earnings for that time period. Am I meant to go back and calculate how much I made for the last 6 years? Perhaps I should review all my tax returns. That sounds like a fun afternoon. More reason to drink, at least. I thought about just making up a number, but then I remembered that official sounding statement at the beginning of the application that warns if anything I write is false...ah, crap. I fumbled through what I think they wanted, but I'm not making any sudden moves around law enforcement officers this week.

My favorite question is when they ask for your weekly income. They even give you a "helpful hint" for calculating it: hourly wage x number of hours worked per week. Thanks, Einstein! I haven't received an hourly wage in a loooong time. But if I really figured out what I was making on an hourly basis, I probably would have quit my job long before they had a chance to lay me off. Let's see - teacher salary divided by 50+ hours a week. Ouch!

I felt accomplished afterwards - having navigated through a government application all by myself. But still, I couldn't help feeling that my ego was taking a big hit. I read in the paper the other day that most businesses are NOT hiring people that are unemployed. They would rather hire or recruit someone that already has a job, because if you don't have a job you're a loser. (Well it didn't exactly say the "loser" part, but one can surmise.) This is the thing that no one wants to admit. When a person says that they are unemployed, we wonder what's wrong with them. Were they incompetent in their last job? Were they busted surfing porn online? Do they pick their nose in public? Perhaps they have terrible halitosis or, even worse, irritable bowel disorder. Or, are they just a complete and utter imbecile?

I really began to think about this concept of companies only hiring people that HAVE jobs. That basically means that there are always jobs open, we just can't get to them if we're unemployed. Maybe I need to find a company that will hire me, so I can get a job somewhere. Or better yet, I can be self-employed in order to find employment. Brilliant! I'll need a good company name, though. Something that hints at it but doesn't give it away.

Well, I am unemployed. I was laid off, and not because I'm an idiot or lame or socially inept.

What's wrong with me? 6 years ago I decided to teach elementary school in a country that doesn't value education. Maybe THAT was stupid.