How to Crush a Child's Spirit: 101

If the Learning Annex ever wants a class called, "How To Crush a Child's Spirit:101", most elementary school teachers would be qualified to teach the class. Not so much because the teachers are squelching their little spirits (though I'm certain it happens unintentionally, more often than we realize), but because we constantly police the little buttheads that say mean things to other kids.

Yesterday at my elementary school we had our Holiday Sing-Along where all the kids pack into the cafeteria and sing songs. The day before the event, a boy in my class slipped a note in my mailbox to ask if he could bring his reindeer hat to school. I told him that he could wear it to the Sing-Along.

The next day he brought his reindeer antler hat with bells to school. When we walked single file down the school hallway, he proudly wore the antlers. A few minutes after we sat down he came to me, no antlers, and said that a girl in our class told him that the hat looked stupid. I felt the heat inside my belly move to my heart and begin fuming out of the top of my head. I was so mad, fightin' mad! But there's just no reasonable justification for beating up a 9-year-old girl when you're 44. So instead, I marched right over to her and said, "Did you say something unkind to James about his hat?" To which she mumbled, "I told him it looked good."

"Really?" I quipped.

Staring at me with wide eyes, she nodded.

"Well, we will sort this out later and I really hope you are being truthful."

I told James that I spoke to the girl and that he should wear the hat because it was FANTASTIC. He shook his head and never put it back on for the rest of the day.

Even though the girl later mumbled the obligatory under-the-breath "sorry" to him, I keep thinking about how James will probably never wear a festive holiday hat again because that mean little girl said something that just ate away a piece of his spirit.

We've all had moments like that, it's just so hard to watch it happen. Mine was when I was about 9 years old also. The prettiest and most popular girl in our church choir turned to me after a rehearsal and said that I sounded awful. I stopped singing in front of people for about 5 or 6 years after that. I was traumatized. Then I got the fever of 70's and 80's rock and I was back in business, despite the opinion of that nasty little church girl.

Kids can be so cruel. I wonder where they learn it?

Reasons Not to Teach First Grade

I never really needed convincing to NOT teach Kindergarten or First Grade. Just thinking about training them to wipe their own noses has always been enough for me to quickly choose an intermediate grade level.

The other night I had the pleasure of spending some time with previous colleagues that now teach K and 1st. After our conversation I can concisely lay out for you the Three Most Important Reasons to NOT Teach Kinder or 1st Grade:

3. Urine
2. Feces
1. Vomit

I know it sounds extreme to mention these unmentionables, but it must be done. For these three reasons ALONE, teachers should be paid better. Many teachers have swapped stories about kids having "accidents" where they pee their pants. But then...Jess told the story about when she was teaching 1st grade in Guatemala and one day a student said he felt sick. She encouraged him to wait until snack time to see if he would feel better, but he didn't. At snack time, she reminded him to eat his apple. Shortly after the apple, as she was starting a lesson, the same boy complained again about his stomach. By now she was starting to feel convinced that he might really be sick.

Just as she started to say, "Maybe you should go to the office and...", he had a projectile vomit - all over her. Of course she had no change of clothes at school, and of course, she rode the bus to her school everyday because she didn't have her own transport. It was a long day that day.

My pal Antonio told the story of the little boy that disrupted the whole class to alert everyone of his need to use the restroom. Luckily many of the Kinder classrooms have a bathroom adjacent to the room, so off went the little guy to do his business, until suddenly the dreaded, "I need help wiping" voice calls from beyond the door.

"You've got to be kidding!" (Antonio managed to keep this in his thought bubble.)

Painfully and reluctantly, out come the rubber gloves with a snap, snap, over each wrist. The rest? Well, I'll leave that to your imagination.

I think the boy's family got a call or note asking (pleading, begging) that they COMPLETELY potty train their son immediately.

Again, teachers are not paid enough for this kinda crap*. If you aren't going to pay these K/1 teachers more, then at least provide them with a hazardous waste suit/uniform. It would certainly make the job more appealing to me.

(*pun intended)

The End of the World...(and I feel fine)

The kids at school are all talking about the rumor that the world is coming to an end in 2012. I'm not worried because this job has me SO ready to sleep for a really long time. But then yesterday morning a kid walked into my class mumbling, "I don't want the world to end." I decided to ignore his comment, because after all, who am I to reassure him that it won't? I really don't know. And I refuse to be one of those adults that lie to children to make themselves feel better, or to avoid deep thought.

I did talk to my class about the origin of the rumor, but that was some fact-based information (totally within my jurisdiction) about the Mayan calendar...blah, blah. Personally, I don't worry about this kind of crap. It reminds me of the "Y2K scare". Some people were really freaked out. Then....dun dun dun...(-insert ominous sounding music here-), nothing happened. What's that you say? That's right, N-O-T-H-I-N-G happened. I got a laugh out of that, I'll admit.

I had to search to re-find one of my all-time favorite reasons for the internet. A few years ago someone sent me this animation called End of the World and I laughed over it for months, and showed it to all my friends. Unfortunately, some of those friends and I are not as close because if they didn't laugh at this I had to wonder why I was friends with them in the first place. My pal Shmange and I had a few good laughs over it. So, click on the link (underlined "End of the World" above) and enjoy, I hope (Parental Discretion Advised for Strong Language, Reg). And if you don't get it, WTF, mate?

8 Minutes

8 Minutes. My pal Jenny-Mac figured out that this is how much time the teachers at our school have to plan each lesson we teach for a day of elementary school. (On average I teach 6 lessons a day.) But I don't take 8 minutes, I do what it takes, which is much more than 8 minutes. What that means, however, is that I regularly work 10-11 hour days. I get paid for 7 hours. I don't get bonuses or comp time, or even a free cup of coffee in the morning. Why do I do it? I want the students to have the best I can possibly offer...and I really like working with kids. They are crazy.

Recently I got a cryptic hand-written note in my classroom mailbox from a kid. It looked kind of like this (wishing I had a scanner!):

"Thre was a flyd in th pllens"

When I first read this scrawl from the 8-year-old I thought it said, "There was a fly on the lens". I figured he was explaining why most of my students were distracted at the end of the day when their homework was listed on the overhead projector (thus the "lens" part). I showed this note to my colleague Donna, knowing that her 40 years of teaching experience makes her a master code-breaker. I knew that she could confirm or refute my attempt at decoding. I handed her the note and, without missing a beat she said, "Oh...there was a flood in the Philippines".

Yes, that was it! Turns out the boy has family in the Philippines and wanted to make sure I knew about the recent flood there.

The best part about this kid is that he always has a smile on his face and is an easy target for my juvenile antics in the classroom. And to top it off, just the other day I realized who he reminds me of. Seriously. He is Bill from the series "King of the Hill"! (but without the beer in his hand and the hair on his chest, I presume) He has similar mannerisms, speech patterns, and a general "happy-go-lucky" demeanor.

Sometimes, when I'm having a rough time of it, I just look at "Bill" and remember that it's all gonna work out fine.

After all, I've only got 8 minutes per lesson to save the world (even though that's twice what Madonna and Justin had).

Back in the Saddle Again

From the soundtrack of my life: "I’m back!" Back to teaching 4th grade, that is. I’m happy. I had to go through an awful lot in order to come full circle, bringing me back to March, where this whole thing started. It went something like this:

you're fired
no, maybe not
um…yes, you're fired
stay tuned, we may need you back
no, it doesn’t look like you’ll be back
ok, come back and choose a job, but your old job doesn’t exist
no, you can't have that job
oh, okay, you can have that job
hey, how about having your old job back?
ok, you can have it

But, hey now, I’ve got a job which is more than some people can claim nowadays. So I AM thankful. I actually wish I could just call everyone I know to tell then that I got my job back. But herein lies the problem. No one picks up a damn phone anymore. I can’t get anyone on the phone, not even my spouse. I have reluctantly agreed to text more often, but am I the only one that finds it exhausting? I have a keyboard on my phone for this very purpose, but when I’m trying to make plans with someone and we have to go back and forth five or six times, I can’t help but think, “This would be a 30 second phone conversation.”

Is it about being cool? I’m all for being cool. I was born cool. But texting is so Europe 2005. I mean EVERYBODY texts now, so it’s no longer a novelty. When a 10-year-old is doing it, it’s no longer cool. Driving a tricked out car can still be cool, precisely because a 10 year old can’t do it. My pal Jenny had a student that was texting in class all year long! This girl was assigned hundreds of sentences to write, recesses were taken away, but she still continued. When her phone was confiscated by the principal, her mom got her a new one, so it was back to texting. I had this girl the previous year, before the text explosion, and she used to daydream the days away. She was probably thinking about what she would text if she could. But I’ll tell you one thing, she still does not have a car.

I’ve come to the frightening realization that if I want my friends to know the good news about my job I have to: 1) post it on Facebook; 2) blog about it here; 3) ask someone to Twitter it for me (I’m not there yet); and 4) do a mass e-mail as a back-up; …but don’t call anyone for heavens sake!

So now that I have my teaching job back, I was thinking about more innovative ways to fire/hire teachers, and suddenly I got an idea. How about a game show for teachers? Winners stay, losers go. Since it's my idea, I think I would want to have a show like "Name That Tune" or a Karaoke competition. If you don't know the lyrics then a clown comes out and smashes a pie in your face. (The clown would be a different celebrity guest star each week. See pic for guest #1!) Then Governor Arnold would come on the giant screen via satellite and say, "You are the weakest link. You are OUT!" Then he'd blow you a kiss and say, "auf Wiedersehen", like Heidi Klum on Project Runway.

With this scenario there would at least be some bit of talent needed to stay in the profession. I know you're thinking, "Hey Sal, why not a quiz show since teachers are supposed to know stuff?" Simple: that's too easy of a solution. I'm trying to stay in the spirit of the public school system by keeping things aloof and illogical. Geeeez. Stay with me. (Is this the first blog of mine that you've read?) The music would be sounds of the 70’s and 80’s, with a little 90’s tossed in for bonus points.

The premiere show would start with me singing Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle”.
...I'm back! I'm back in the saddle again...

Cattle Call

Well, I got a job back in my school district, back at my school in fact. But it's not MY job. My job has disappeared with the idealist belief that small children should be in classrooms of (no more than) 20 students. Call me crazy for buying into the idea of smaller class sizes ("CRAZY!"). But this crazy fool thinks that packing 30-34 kids in a room to teach them how to read, with ONE teacher, mind you, is a bit insane. But that's the plan in my district as of now.

So about 2 weeks ago I got a phone call saying I am being "recalled" (like those painted toys from China) and I would need to pick a job from the current list of vacancies. They sent me the job list ahead of time to take a look. There is nothing currently available at my school so I made my list of priorities from the choices and talked to some colleagues to get advice. The day I showed up to "pick a job" was the most DMV-like experience I've had as a teacher. There were about 10-15 of us lined up in a tiny dingy hallway in our district office. The lady would call a name and that person would disappear into a room, then emerge with one of three looks: sadness, defeat, or apathy. Some people were a little teary-eyed too. Then the lady would cross off the job the person picked, but not announce what they picked, so we would all squeeze down the hall to try and see what job was taken. Then the next person would go in, and so on, and so on.

By the time I got my turn, all my top choices were gone. SURPRISE! But I did have one thing up my sleeve. Like a Svengali, I walked in, sat down and ordered, "I will take the Science position at my school." The woman was caught off guard and began to shuffle papers as I stated, "It's not on the vacancy list, but it is there, my friend, it is there. I have been informed by my principal, [name dropped here], to ask for this position." I was feeling pretty good about myself, proud that I had taken this bull by the horns and for once thrown THEM for a loop. As she nervously shuffled papers, the other woman at the table (we'll call her the witness, because I learned in business that whenever you have a potentially volatile situation, you never do it one-on-one), began to look me over. I could see the questions in her eyes: Was I for real? Who did I think I was, marching in here with my OWN agenda?

The paper shuffler looked at me, and said, "We have to wait until that job is posted. You will need to pick a job from the list." Ah, but I had one other thing up my sleeve so I responded, "My principal, [name dropped here again], is downstairs in the training and said to come get her if there was a problem." HA! I can play hardball too. Without wavering, her eyes checked with the witness, and showing no sign of fear, she said, "We can have that conversation later, but for now, please pick a job to secure a position, so we can keep this moving." I was out of tricks, no hypnotic trance or amount of charm would change the fact that I really had zero power in this situation. The irony is that she really had no power either. She couldn't just give me a job because I said so. Her boss would probably behead her for such insubordination, or send her to the basement and take away her Swingline stapler.

The people with the power were on vacation during this project of theirs. How convenient. Hardly a coincidence I imagine. Make a mess, then leave someone else to clean it up. But hey, that's bureaucracy in action.

I chose a job, then promptly told on her to my principal. She marched herself to the cattle call office and fixed it. I felt like such a helpless child. I miss the days of getting a job on your merits and desire, not because you were #129 on the list so you got to choose before #140. I miss the days of being promoted or given a raise because you are an asset to the company, not because you have a certain # of years of service.

So I am on board to teach Science at my school. Good News: No need to switch schools, I know the students and staff, and change will keep me growing.

Bad News: 2 days after I was called in, our previous science teacher was "recalled" too. I didn't expect that because I thought he was much lower in seniority and might not get called at all. Now I have his job. I feel crappy about that. So it's hard to celebrate. I just hope it somehow miraculously all goes back to the way it was. Anyone have a magic wand I can borrow?

Happy Father's Day

I don't understand Father's Day or Mother's Day or Administrative Assistant's Day (formerly known as "Secretary's Day") or Day of the Teacher. (I don't know why it's not called "Teacher's Day".) This idea of choosing one day to say thanks and fatten the wallets of Hallmark always seems a bit strange to me. Heck, every day is Teacher's Day and Father's Day and Mother's and Admin. Asst.'s, etc.

Yes, it's lame to say, "We need to appreciate all people everyday!", but you know what? We need to appreciate the people in our lives REGULARLY. After recently losing my job, I thought about all my colleagues in education that I appreciate. I try to be thankful for what I've got, but I don't think I express it very readily to the people that need to hear it. So here goes:
Jenny - you're the first to pop in my mind right now because you especially need to know what a powerhouse of a teacher you are and how I admire that! You also have a great ability to laugh at life and...laminate. Andrea - and to think I was intimidated by you when I first started working with you! Actually, there was good reason for that. You have your act together. And I KNOW this because you always say that you don't. You are always willing to lend others a hand and are an extremely thoughtful human being. Kathy H. - what a pleasure and privilege I have to come to work and have positivity first thing in the morning. Your kind, yet playful, words and your love for the children are never lost on me. Thank you for the work that you do. Mel T- we have been weathering the recent storm together, checking in with one another. I appreciate your confidence and your ability to "press on" even when the system gets ludicrous. I also like how you roll your eyes at the crazy playground DRAMA! Helen - my mentor and an inspiration to all. I can't write anything here that will encompass who you are. You just are. I will SO miss your classroom visits if I'm not back with you next year. You'll have to call me, wherever I am, and I'll put you on speakerphone! Greg - Mister Comic Relief with some sarcasm and fire mixed in. I worry about how often you say what I'm thinking. Your plethora of random trivia at lunch and your waving of the white slips after recess are unmatched! Chris - um, how much time do you have in a day? Wow, the things you do with your class! You have a wonderful sense of calm mixed with a great sense of humor. And, of course, Donna - where would I be without you? You have orchestrated a great teaching career for me so far! Ever since you got me to LE, you have been a great ally and presented opportunities that I may have ignored in the past. Thank you for your help and guidance. I appreciate you.

I appreciate so many of you: Eric, Kathy G., Pam, David, Leslie, Kim W., and frankly everyone at LE. I'm sorry for anyone that I didn't mention or write sentences about. It was getting so long! But let me tell you, I have sentences for all of you. Oh boy, do I have sentences. I might be moving on to other "pastures", equally full of cow patties and land mines, but I promise to keep fighting the good fight, as long as you do too!

Oh yeah, and "Happy Father's Day".