The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yes, it is that time again. Saying goodbye to the students for winter break and graciously accepting gifts from a few students and families. My first year of teaching I remember the feeling - that excitement of what could be hiding under the seasonal wrapping. After discovering a well-used stuffed animal and a mugful of hard candies, I remembered that I didn't get into teaching for the perks. It truly is the thought that counts.

A friend of mine teaches in a very affluent school district and told me about the $100 Macy's gift card she received. This was the same year that I received the mug (pictured) full of hard candy. A few problems with the mug:

1) It had lace super-glued around the edge and I could not get it off. Therefore, no using this for drinking.

2) The script reads: "Con todo mi Am of". Obviously the word "amor" got lost in translation and became "Am of". So what
should have been "With all my love" became "With all my..." uh, no direct translation.

3) The picture was just bizarre. It looked like mutant blockhead Pooh Bear twins. Even if I HAD been able to pry
the lace off, I couldn't drink out of it based on its freakish nature.

One of my colleagues shared that the most interesting present she received one year was a used tube of lipstick. Again, it's nice to be in someone's thoughts, but sometimes the thought will suffice.

It'd be nice to always get $100 gift cards, but it's certainly not what I signed on for. This year I got a beautiful knitted scarf (by my student's grandmother - insert "ahhhh" here) that has kept me warm already. I may not get a holiday bonus in my check, but I am appreciated by many of the families at my school.

I've always thought that the perks for teachers should come from big corporations. After all, the fruits of our labor will some day feed their workforce. Every once in awhile I am shocked to find an educator discount somewhere. It's kind of like having a AAA card, but with fewer discounts. Apple has a 10% educator discount, but I have to say, 10% is really nothing. It amounts to about the sales tax. I'm not (totally) complaining...I'll take it, but it's a gesture, kinda like the "it's the thought that counts" sentiment. I would hope for more from a big corporation. I WILL, however, give props to Verizon. The best kept secret is that they offered me a 15% educator discount off my wireless bill when I switched to them in November. AT&T never did that! So here's a plug for Verizon, my educator friends.

Ironically, the people that DO get lots of perks are the folks that don't need it. They are the people with money. I knew a girl that resembled Alicia Keys and she would get meals comped at restaurants because people thought she was the Grammy Award winning singer. Movie stars, athletes, and socialites get lots of free stuff when they could actually afford to pay for it all. When I was flying this holiday, I thought, "Wouldn't it be sweet to have an 'educator upgrade' to first class?" But instead I was herded into economy like all the other schmoes. I think the first class passengers must watch a special "preparation" video that tells them NOT to make eye contact with the coach/economy passengers, because as we all parade by their luxurious seats to cram into coach, they avert their eyes. On my flight last week, I thought I recognized a guy - a director - from my old industry. It really looked like him except that it's been at least 15 years and he hadn't aged a bit. I tried to catch his eyes to see if he might recognize me, but he had clearly watched the video.

Not only am I NOT comped a first class seat, but I'm probably making bad karma for 'accidentally' tossing that mug into a landfill somewhere. But I'm working that off every day that I step inside the classroom and say, "Good Morning, ladies and gentlemen."

And, after seven years, I still get a chuckle from the chorus of 32 earnest kids responding in unison: "Good Morning, Ms. Carter."

Now that's what I call a perk.

From the Mouths of Babes

Here are some excerpts from the recent stories of 5th graders:

"The big dinosaur was a fossil, but it didn't die. It lost its soul."

"The only way he can hypnotize humans is he spits goop on human heads."

"You can get this for 6 payments of $10.99, that's right, 6 payments of $10.99."

"So they took as many pictures as they could. Then they went home satisfied."

"My favorite food is my mom's enchiladas. My favorite shape is a pyramid."

"Everyone asked for mercy but he never listened. The mountain king was the biggest and baddest mountain in the world!"

"All of a sudden Wall-E characters came alive, and then mass chaos happened."

"My favorite food is pizza, but that doesn't start with a K."

"So then they sold it to a person for $6,000 and the judges gave the money to me. And so I lived happily ever after with lots of money!"

And finally, this was written at the end of a student's story:
"I am sorry I ended there, but it would be very disturbing for your human mind!"

Indeed.

Thanks, kids. You are the reason we keep treading water in a sea of sharks.

You're Not So Funny Anymore

“Nations like Finland and Japan seek out the best college graduates for teaching positions, prepare them well, pay them well and treat them with respect. They make sure that all their students study the arts, history, literature, geography, civics, foreign languages, the sciences and other subjects. They do this because this is the way to ensure good education. We’re on the wrong track.”

This quote comes from Diane Ravitch, an education historian who once advocated for the importance of standardizing testing and sat by G.W. Bush's side during the implementation of No Child Left Behind. Now she's had a change of heart. Her U-turn has some people upset, but I applaud her for seeing the error of her ways.

A former colleague sent me the article awhile ago from the NY Times if you want to check it out. (Thanks, Bernie!)

The current wave of education and moves toward privatization have me depressed. As a result, I've hit a wall lately with this blog. You might call it writer's block or you might say that I'm losing my sense of humor for education. After one of my last posts a friend said, "Hey, I thought your blog was supposed to be funny. It was a little grim."

Exactly.

It's all a little grim. As I watch our district/state/federal government push for higher test scores and lay more and more of the load and guilt trip on the teachers, as I listen to opinions about "bad schools" and "bad teachers", I can't help but lose my sense of humor about it.

The best thing about teaching is the kids...hands down. But the extra workload and lack of resources that teachers are expected to accept (because of budget cuts) has taken the wind out of my sails. I'm dancing as fast as I can, but even Gregory Hines wouldn't be able to tap his way through this mess. I keep picturing myself jumping around a room while someone from the federal government points a pistol at my feet and keeps firing, sadistically enjoying the dance I must do to stay alive:
BULLET #1: We're increasing your class size, but you still have to raise the test scores of all those children; BULLET #2: The standardized test is the end all, be all, so forget about that pansy art, music, science and history crap; BULLET #3: There's no time for "character education" in the classroom, but find a way to make these kids good citizens anyway. Perhaps you could work it into a lesson on dividing fractions. BULLET #4: How about we pay teachers more when the students test scores improve? Don't give us this crap about absences at school, lack of parental support, ADHD, homelessness, poor nutrition and all that other stuff. As Tim Gunn would say, "Make it work". BULLET #5: Yes, yes, we know...every student learns differently. That's why it's YOUR job to teach each of those 32 children in a personal and meaningful way. Um, no, sorry we don't have any support for their special needs or for the emotionally disturbed. Doggone it, just find a way.

Now in my imaginary gun, there are only 6 bullets, so there's one left. I'm just trying to decide if I should wait for them to shoot me in the heart or if I should take my own (teaching) life and get the hell out of dodge before it's too late.

I'm finding myself rapidly approaching that question that I knew I would eventually come to with this career: Can I continue to do this "for the kids"? Or have the politics and demands gotten too insane to continue for my own self preservation?

I've been reading lots of articles lately about the private donors for education, like Bill and Melinda Gates (Microsoft), and the Waltons (WalMart), and how their personal agendas drive educational policy for the schools to which they donate. These people are not educators, nor do they have any credentials around education. They should not be making policy decisions. But when the money starts to flow, people in education begin to salivate and their judgment gets clouded. Some of these donors (including the aforementioned) are big proponents of merit pay for teachers.

Here's the HUGE problem with paying a teacher based on student test scores: No one...and I mean NO ONE will want to teach in schools where the students aren't as focused as possible. No one will want to teach the kids that come to school hungry or dirty or lacking sleep, or the ones worried about their cousin that was just shot or the ones that are writing letters to their fathers in jail. These students are rightfully preoccupied with survival! And these students usually don't score as well on a standardized test. Go figure. Then there's the issue of a culturally biased test that gives them nothing in return. Instead, they are focused on wondering when dad is coming home, or what their next meal will be. They might be simply hoping that someone will hug them and take care of them when they get home.


I pulled those examples from my personal experience with students. But if I can't pay my rent because these students aren't "Proficient" in Reading and Math on the state test, then I've got to think about teaching somewhere else or maybe not teaching at all.

I have always wanted to work with the low income students and families to give them support and to help give them a voice. But guess what? No one with the power to make changes in education (or fund the programs) wants to support them. No one wants to hear them. If I had a dime for every selfish knucklehead that said, "Why should MY money/tax dollars pay for the education of somebody else's kid? I've worked hard for what I have." (Which translates to: I don't want to support poor and/or immigrant kids.)

So instead, districts give great lip service to helping the needy, but it's never done quite right.

It's all pretty exhausting, really. I'm especially exhausted by the letters I receive at the end of the school year stating "...your services are no longer required" because of budget cuts.

You know what? My services ARE required.

But worst of all, this blog entry is not very funny, because none of this is funny.

I'm a Bargain

I got hired back to my teaching position today. It wasn't easy. My colleague, Mel, and I went in with guns blazing. Our jobs were on the list of jobs to choose from after being laid off. We were #20 and #21 to pick (by order of seniority). That meant 19 other laid off teachers were gonna get a stab at our jobs before us. So, we wore our school t-shirts and made signs, asking people not to take our jobs - tugging at the heart strings.

In the dim, dingy confines of the district office, we stood for all passers by to see. It was our only chance...and it worked. Well, not without complications. One teacher was set on taking one of our positions. She had a crazy cockamamie story about why she believed our school was her best option. Tongue firmly in cheek we offered to bake her cookies. Nope, she's diabetic. "How 'bout a shoulder rub?" I think that creeped her out. "Spa day?" Her eyes lit up. Oh, she liked the idea of a spa day and the stone around her heart began to erode at the thought of a hot sauna and cucumber mask.

When it was her turn to pick, she didn't take our jobs, but she did make sure to tell us, "you owe me one". On the back of Mel's Recall Notice she listed two e-mail addresses so we could be sure to find her. What sucks is that (as in the four agreements) I want to be impeccable with my word, as much as it may cost me here. One friend suggested that we send her a tub of dirt with instructions on how to make warm mud in the microwave. Then she could slip into her own claustrophobic mud bath coma.

It feels odd to say that I got lucky today because the job I got really FEELS like my job. I mean, I didn't even pack up my classroom! I'm going back to the same school and the same room. It doesn't feel so lucky to have your job ripped out from under you, only to have to beg for it back and then be expected to feel grateful. But nonetheless, today was a little bit about luck, a little bit of ingenuity, and a little bit of fate all mixed together.

When my good buddy Karol heard I got re-hired she said, "the taxpayer is getting a value". And she's right. You see, I have a pretty healthy sense of my market value. I'm not arrogant about it, I just know that I've got some mad skillz. This school district is damn lucky that I didn't snatch up another job in the time they were draggin' their feet about re-hiring teachers to fill the empty teaching positions. School let out June 12. Hellooooo!?! Whatcha been doing?

Some people said, "Well, ya know, lots of people were on vacation at the district office."

I say, "How nice for them!" It must be swell to pack up the wife and 2.4 kids for a visit to the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile I'm sweatin' out how I'm gonna pay the rent.

After today, there are still many teachers (and other professionals) that are out of work. It's a very tough time for so many. If you know someone that is unemployed right now, take 'em out for a drink, or lunch, or dinner. It feels nice.

Yes, today I got a job. No confetti fell from the sky, no champagne corks popped, but one little district got a helluva deal.

Loser

I was very productive today. Having just returned from a nice long trip to NYC, I came back ready to tackle my world. I took myself out to breakfast then returned home and did laundry, caught up on bills, pulled weeds in the garden, organized two desk drawers and made a few phone calls. All of these things were strategically chosen in order to procrastinate...duh, duh, duh (ominous music swells)...filing for unemployment benefits. Yes, folks, if you are a reader of this blog, you might know that I was laid off last year too, only to be called back a short time later. Well, this year is a bit different because the dark clouds are a bit darker. It's hard to tell when/if I will be called back and whether or not my job will still be available to me.

Prior to leaving for our glorious trip to NYC, I wanted to be proactive about this job thing. So I updated my resume and sent one out after also writing the dreaded cover letter - "Hi, you don't know me from Adam, however, I'm chipper, but not annoyingly so. I love to work! I don't mind working overtime or weekends and I am passionate about your cause. Hire me! I'm not desperate. Really. I have hoards of other offers and people knocking on my door constantly. I just decided to ignore all of the clamor and apply for your position out of the blue!"

Well, it may not have read exactly like that, but it sure seems like it. I feel like a loser. I can't get that Beck song out of my head. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me." Don't worry folks, I'm not suicidal, but it sure makes drinking after the stroke of 12 noon awfully appealing.

As I sat down to fill out the unemployment application, I reassured myself with the facts as I will state to you here: 1) I have never been on unemployment before; 2) I have been paying INTO this system my entire working life; 3) I don't watch Maury or Tyra in the middle of the afternoon; 4) I am smart and powerful and good enough; 5) Doggone it, I like myself, I really do!

The online application is surprisingly simple to fill out, though they make it clear that if you write something untrue, it's all over. Fine with me. I have nothing to hide, but there are a few trick questions. One question asked if I "am employed" as a state worker such as teacher, etc. Well, let's see...if I was employed I wouldn't be filling this out! Do they mean was I just recently employed in that way? Another question asked for the last 18 months of my employment history. Sounds simple enough, except that when I filled in the dates for my last job of almost 6 years, it then asked for my earnings for that time period. Am I meant to go back and calculate how much I made for the last 6 years? Perhaps I should review all my tax returns. That sounds like a fun afternoon. More reason to drink, at least. I thought about just making up a number, but then I remembered that official sounding statement at the beginning of the application that warns if anything I write is false...ah, crap. I fumbled through what I think they wanted, but I'm not making any sudden moves around law enforcement officers this week.

My favorite question is when they ask for your weekly income. They even give you a "helpful hint" for calculating it: hourly wage x number of hours worked per week. Thanks, Einstein! I haven't received an hourly wage in a loooong time. But if I really figured out what I was making on an hourly basis, I probably would have quit my job long before they had a chance to lay me off. Let's see - teacher salary divided by 50+ hours a week. Ouch!

I felt accomplished afterwards - having navigated through a government application all by myself. But still, I couldn't help feeling that my ego was taking a big hit. I read in the paper the other day that most businesses are NOT hiring people that are unemployed. They would rather hire or recruit someone that already has a job, because if you don't have a job you're a loser. (Well it didn't exactly say the "loser" part, but one can surmise.) This is the thing that no one wants to admit. When a person says that they are unemployed, we wonder what's wrong with them. Were they incompetent in their last job? Were they busted surfing porn online? Do they pick their nose in public? Perhaps they have terrible halitosis or, even worse, irritable bowel disorder. Or, are they just a complete and utter imbecile?

I really began to think about this concept of companies only hiring people that HAVE jobs. That basically means that there are always jobs open, we just can't get to them if we're unemployed. Maybe I need to find a company that will hire me, so I can get a job somewhere. Or better yet, I can be self-employed in order to find employment. Brilliant! I'll need a good company name, though. Something that hints at it but doesn't give it away.

Well, I am unemployed. I was laid off, and not because I'm an idiot or lame or socially inept.

What's wrong with me? 6 years ago I decided to teach elementary school in a country that doesn't value education. Maybe THAT was stupid.

Barbie is for Boys

A very quiet boy in my class has discovered my love of music and so he likes to ask me if I know certain songs that he is uncovering on "Rock Band". Last week he asked if I knew "Come Together" by the Beatles, to which I immediately replied with a showcase of my vocals on the chorus. A few days later, he raised his hand and asked, "Do you know the song "Fire" by Jimi Hendrix?"

"Let me stand next to your fire...let me stand next to your fire...", I bellowed.

Suddenly the joy of song hit the classroom and a spirited young 9-year-old boy bounced out of his seat, flapping his arms and singing, "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world...". Now, if you haven't ever heard that song, I suggest you check it out here. (The resolution is not so good, but the tune will put it all into perspective.) It is fabulously bizzare!

When this boy busted out with it in the middle of class I just couldn't keep a straight face. This of course, gave the whole class permission to join in and laugh. I love that this boy had the confidence to do this. Right on the heels of his performance, the magnetically cool boy in class jokingly said, "I have the Barbie house".

I asked, "Do you have the Barbie dream machine?"

"Oh yes," he replied with a smirk.

It's incredibly refreshing to feel the gender fluidity of children. Barbie has always been associated with girls, but here were the two most popular boys in the classroom, ready to be playful about Barbie.

I always hated Barbie. I'm pretty sure that I hated her as a rebellious act, simply because, as a female, I was expected to like her. I only had one doll that I loved when I was mini-me, and her name was Vanessa. Well, that's what I named her (which is a story for another time), but her stock name was "Baby Drowsy". This baby had one of those strings on a ring that you pull to make her speak. I still remember some of her lines: "Mommy, I'm sleepy"; "I want another drink of water"; "I go to sleep now, night-night"; and the 'pièce de résistance' was her raspy, high-pitched voice just wailing for 3 seconds. I have no idea why I liked this doll. I'm not a fan of whining, of which she did plenty, and I'm no fan of the pink onesie. Perhaps it was the force with which I had to pull that damn string to make her talk that gave me some sort of satisfaction.

Ahhh, how much longer will the kids in my class be willing to play freely and enjoy the enormous spectrum of humor and gender that they experimented with that day? I hope they can hold on to that feeling and take over the world. But if they can't do it...

Move over rover, and let Jimi take over!

That's Some Pig

For Christmas I made a dish from a recipe I've been carting around for 20 years. It's a "bean" casserole that my step-mom used to make. Not only does it have three different kinds of beans, but it has brown sugar, ketchup, mustard, pork 'n' beans, ground beef, and bacon! Mmmm! I can't explain why I bought the highest quality ground beef and bacon to toss into this strange medley, but it paid off when my "foodie" friends were going back for seconds. I attribute partial success to the level of commitment I had in regards to frying the bacon. I turned to the old Better Homes and Gardens "New" Cook Book to see what they recommend for temperature and cooking time. (This cookbook is perfect for someone like me that doesn't really cook. It even explains how to boil an egg.) Frying bacon: Medium-low heat, 6-8 minutes, turning often. I followed those instructions to a "t" and it was the best damn bacon I've had in a long time, if I do say so myself. Exhibit A (photo): happiness is a plateful of bacon

Coincidentally my students and I are reading Charlotte's Web right now. The kids are falling in love with Wilbur, the pig. I usually don't enjoy stories (especially movies) with talking animals. It feels so manipulative, plus it's downright creepy. But I'll admit that I actually kind of like this particular story, and it's not because I love pigs. I absolutely hated that movie Babe. But as we read this sweet little story about a pig being saved from slaughter, the students are coming to terms with the fact that pigs are ham, pork chops, chicharróns, and most importantly, BACON! (Now if you are an avid reader of this blog, you might remember my ode-to-bacon blog entitled, "Rock Bottom".)

Clearly I am not a vegetarian, but if I were, I'd be a really good one. I'm hip to the politics, I enjoy most vegetables, and I can't stand the thought of killing an animal myself. (Some say that if you're not willing to kill it yourself, you shouldn't eat it.) But, herein lies my dilemma. Meat is tasty. I can be put into an immediate food coma with a perfectly prepared piece of rare (yes, rare) steak. And don't let anybody tell you that any ol' piece of meat will do. I really do taste the difference with the organic, grass-fed, no hormones meat.

I'm sorry to say that as I read Charlotte's Web I cannot speak to the children on behalf of PETA or on behalf of the talking pigs of the world, because I'm too busy imagining the serenity and joy I will feel when I bite into that next perfect piece of bacon.